Tom Schwartz — Vanderpump Rules’ resident sniveling worm and Tom Sandoval’s so-called “bitch boy” — had himself a hell of a Season 10 finale last night, as the Bravo reality series dove into the fallout from Sandoval and Raquel Leviss’ affair. With the schadenfreude flowing like champagne, everyone took a chance to get some jabs in — including Maren Morris.
On TikTok, Morris set to music one of the goofiest bits from last night’s episode, when Schwartz went looking for some sympathy from his ex-wife Katie Maloney. Maloney, of course, had no sympathy to give as she grilled Schwartz about how long he’d known about the affair, and how he may have even helped cover it up by making out with Leviss at Scheana Shay’s wedding as some kind of bizarre, psycho-sexual diversionary tactic.
After flailing, gaslighting, and insisting he’s not Sandoval’s “bitch boy,” Schwartz was hit with the cold truth that — as Maloney put it — he was set to lose a lot of friends as a result of his actions and association with Sandoval. At this moment, Schwartz, maybe kinda sorta seeing the cold, harsh writing on the wall (but probably not, let’s be honest), came up with some real reality TV sad sack poetry: “I’m just a dude trying to get by in life. I’ve got a lot on my mind — my health, my wealth, my family, there’s fucking man-eating Nile crocodiles in Florida now. I don’t fucking know.”
Maloney, not missing a beat, fired back, “You sound like a country song” — a withering retort that clearly struck a chord with Morris. Breaking out her acoustic guitar, she strummed a couple of notes and started singing what could, should — nay must — be turned into a full-fledged song as soon as possible: “My health, my wealth, my family, there’s fucking man-eating Nile crocodiles in Florida now.”
If Schwartz is gonna keep hanging with Sandoval, he should consider taking Maloney’s words to heart and maybe try his hand at writing some songs. At the very least, it could give Sandoval’s terrible band some interesting material to work with.